A Whild Thought: Selfies

Now I think some of you are already clicking off. Because look, there’s ‘selfie in the title’ but give me a second, give me a moment and maybe I’ll give you something to think about.

I have been having a lot of mental blocks and body-related issues. Putting aside what you think about my weight and such the fact of the matter is, I have been hurting myself (mentally, physiologically etc) because of how I view myself and my mentality and it’s a problem.

To kind of outline how I’ve been feeling here’s an entry to my daily journal:

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And the above comes down to a few things:

Feeling disgusting and tired of the way I look
Being stressed about  schooling
Being stressed but not about how empty and apathetic I’m feeling towards my schooling right now.
Other things that just weight on my because of family and other ‘normal’ issues.

But the fact remains that it has been a really crappy few weeks. (almost a month)

It came to a peak yesterday when a young man decided to intimidate me in a bus station. I was walking towards my bus and this young man approached walking the opposite way. He was very tall (but I’m 5’1/5’2 so it is feasible that I just thought that) and leant in close enough that I flinched back.

Why? Because he leant in, grinned and said ‘Smile Baby” before laughing and walking away.

Now I was not comfortable with this, I was super nervous all the 15 minutes I was waiting for my bus, and felt awful the rest of the evening. So I was harassed, it was not nice. He does not deserve to see my smile, nor is it his business if I smile in public or not.

But, following this experience and with the bubbling awfulness of my mental state came these images:

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Now, disclaimer yes there are filters on these images to do some colour correction and yes obviously I am wearing light make-up (blush, eyeliner, mascara and some bomb af lipstick) but the point is: after all this self-loathing and uncomfortableness came selfies.

There are many more on my phone but these are two of my favourite from the night.

So here’s the thought.

I am not the most ‘traditionally beautiful’ young woman out there. I am v pudgy, I am brown-eyed and brown-haired, i am short; i have thick thighs, and wide hips; i am fat instead. Not traditionally beautiful.

And it’s never really bothered me, not really. It adds to my crippling body-image confidence, but I just thought I will never see someone like me because no one wants to be like me.

But, then I put on my favouirte make-up, my favourite plaid and I thought about how I felt. How I didn’t FEEL disgusting, unhealthy, or ugly. I felt pretty good. I felt like that young man had no right to see my smile, or when I’m feeling great. my friends and my future partner does, but everyone else? Nah not really.

So I took selfies, feeling better and better with each shot. Taking an hour to do the filters and finding the angles and colours I wanted, made me feel even better.

And so here’s my thought.

Selfie culture could be bad, selfish, promote a generation of young people who are vain…but we’ve been raised that way already. We are surrounded by images that demand a certain type of look for men and women, demand a certain dream a certain career and education level. We already are the generation that have been told to be vain. But selfies? Selfies are different.

Selfies are of self, of real self, of inner beauty. Selfies are posted and posed for self-desire. For likes (because the self wants it). For colour schemes for great profiles. Because I want it.

This is not an add where a naked man or woman who is ‘filtered’ to be unrecognizable is forced into my face and makes me see what I’ll never be.

My selfie is in a very real way, celebrating my beauty and how I feel and what I feel is beautiful. It is my clothes, my make-up my posing and my filters.

Selfies in a way are actually promoting the opposite of what people think. It’s promoting a range of selfless, united young people. Selfies are uncensored, un ‘filtered’. If a selfie is posted it will be seen, a company isn’t going to X it. I can see all kinds of bodies. I can see all kinds of confidence levels.

Selfie culture lets you see the world and feel better.

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I’m going to finish this thought with this picture. It’s my latest entry to my daily journal. I feel so much better after the selfies (which OMFg are so popular on insta and fb) and after drawing and especially after drawing this page.

It is said that selfie culture promotes vain, selfish youth. It’s a bad trend. However I disagree. I say selfie-culture is the opposite, its a reaction to the poisonous-image the media portrays. It’s a rebellion against what the media says we should look like. It’s solidarity and the celebration of difference.

 

 

 

 

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A hard lesson I haven’t learnt yet.

I’m pretty sure I have depression.

And I do not want to sound like the peopl who say ‘oh I had depression last week, it was bad’ or who think being depresssed (as an emotion) from time to time and having depression are the same thing.

I’m talking about the emptiness I feel when I have the opportunity to do thigns I love.

The absolute lack of motivation to even drink water because, well what’s the point? I literally don’t care.

It’s the ache when deadlines are coming but instead I stare at my computer screen all my research open absolutely apathetic to the last 4 years of gut-wrenching work.

So I think I have depression. And that’s okay.

Except right now I don’t feel like it is. I’ve been sitting in my room, two dealines (both 12 pg papers with 30% of my grade for both classes their due for) looming tomorrow. Or today I guess. All day today upto and until 5pm I stared at the papers, at the rtesearch KNOWING that the panic would come that I wouldbe exhausted. I wouldn’t sleep. I wouldn’t get good marks on these papers. The panic would come.

Except it didn’t. It hasn’t even now that it’s 2am and I leave for school in 5 hours.

And it DOES NOT FEEL OKAY I feel like I should be panicked. I deserve to panic.I must have been lazy right? Me who has always been obsessed with schooling, who LOVES her courses. I deserve to feel panic. I deserve to failt.

I’m not OKAY with feeling apathy.

I’m not okay with being okay with the inevitable failure.

And the hard lesson here, is learning that that’s what depression does to a person. It drains away a lot of their passions, it makes them apathetic. Or, it can. It feels different to different people. Me, a passionare person, someone who babbles on and on and on about art and poetry and ontological design…suddenly apathetic.

And my friends will sometimes roll their eyes. Look at me like ‘how on earth could you leave your assighments so late’ and…I’ve stasrted to shrug because that’s how depression is expressing for me.

And it sucks. It hurts me. I don’t like this. I want to ignore it. I want it to be okay.

And that’s the thing. It is. I will be okay, I know I will. Right now it doesn’t feel it, I’m so tired of everytthing.

I’m just tired. Exhausted in fact.

I’m pretty sure I have depression.

And I am still not okay, with it being okay for me to feel this way.

And even that, for now, is okay.

Don’t get disheartened

I have a great passions, for a great many things.

Too many to list for sure, but still I’m not the only one. Mainly though, my passions are for education, crafting, cooking, and my family. And also YouTube.

Now this started as a love for watching youtube, Vlogs are my guilty pleasures, as are DIYs and home tours; again not alone and also not an exhaustive list of my love of YouTube. But recently these passions have culminated into two great things, two things I love and want to really take off the way that others have taken off.

Leaders are visionairies with a poorly developed sense of fear and no concept of the odds against them. They make the impossible happen.

Dr. Robert Jarvik

I have two youtube channels; neither are more than two or three months old, and neither have many followers. In fact very few people outside my immediate and most intimate friends (and a teacher, whom is marking the one project) know about it. I haven’t advertised them.

Despite this though, it can be extraordinarily disheartening to look upon a video I posted 4 hours ago and see no views. Despite knowing that I don’t advertise these videos yet, despite knowing that no one on YouTube is famous in a month, despite both these and more, it is so incredibly disheartening to look at my subscription page and see the feed filled with new videos already racking up the views.

It’s awful to see others hard work coming to fruition when yours, your regularly scheduled passion project sitting idle.

Environmental Supplement is a passion project that started as a class project; but like everything I’m passionate about I sank far too much time and effort into it and now it is part of my daily routine.

I think about what to post next week, I plan destinations for filming. 21 days makes a routine and I’ve been filming every Sunday with a friend now for roughly 10 weeks. I’ve been thinking about this project for 70 days and more and now it’s habit.

Yet it’s a niche that isn’t often filled, a reason I chose to make a Youtube thing of it. The whole point is to bring Environmental KNoweldge and thought and conversation to people, but getting the people here is a problem. So I have to expect it to be rather slow. I have to expect it to be disliked and to sit idle on my subscription feed for a long time yet.

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And then of course is this channel; due to time and home arrangements and restrictions this hasn’t gotten even half the love I want it to get.

Essentially this is the face of the Environmental channel. This is me; my daily (eventyually) life, my lived experiences. My crafting. My writing. My Poetry. My cooking. A culmination of my anecdotes; updates for my friends and family abroad and out of town, a journal of my own journey in this Wild life.

A Whild-Thing’s journey through the wild life she lives.

But it’s only one video strong, only followed by my Best Friend, my Sister, and my mother probably. I’m not a star, I’m not even on the board yet. My channel doesn’t even show up in searches most of the time.

And it’s hard. It’s super difficult to stand here, to watch my life, watching others lives, and not feel like deleting the whole shebang and forgetting that I ever tried to make a difference.

 

And then this happened. My first and only currently viewable video on the channel. In case you can’t see, that is three likes, and one dislike. Now for a video with 18 views that’s not much.

But, it means that four people watched this video, and rather than pass it by, wait for the next update, hold off on their opinions until the next time I upload something they made their opinion now.

Someone took the time to put my video down. Decided they didn’t like my face, my voice, my content, my editing; something. They took the time to consciously decide that my video needed to be voted down.

It takes less to thumb up (though oh my lordie I am more than grateful for the support and approval of whomever they are), because it’s become habit in a lot of ways. Thumbs down though is a challenge.

It’s a challenge to make it both easier and harder for people to dislike what I do. The more who see my work the higher the ratio will be. But that’s the point right? If I don’t want to be another face in the crowd, another channel to be flipped in a never ending cycle I have to do two things.

  1. Make yourself different. Make yourself something people will want to see, and it doesn’t matter for what reason as long as that reason aligns with your cause.
  2. Be persistent, the only way you’ll be seen is if you make it impossible to miss it. Be persistent. Make your passions a focal practice..
  3. Make it 21 days strong;  make it a habit.
  4. Don’t tell people your dreams (or your plans), show them your results.

I’d like to show people that if you put the hard work in and you believe in yourself, then you can do whatever you want to.

Oscar Pistorius

As an end note. I’m not expecting anyone to check these out, but I felt it made no sense to talk about my channels nd my plans without showing you what I had so far. So if you wouldn’t mind, I’d love it if you gave my channels a browse, if you stay I’d be grateful.

The Whild Life: Youtube, Twitter, Instagram

Environmental Supplement: Youtube, Twitter

 

 

 

 

A Whild thought: I have an aesthetic

I was recently incredibly frustrated by my lack of speakers. I have a desktop for a lot of my editing and drawing work, and a small tablet for writing on the go. But I do not (see: did not) have speakers, and so I bought a set. Or rather a singular Bluetooth speaker that I could use in multiple ways.

I’m a stickler for things needing multiple uses if I’m going to part with my hard earned money.

And so it arrived. It’s a lovely speaker really:

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Rugged, because I’m a clutz and really shouldn’t be trusted with delicate technologies (though I’m not terrible with them). Water resistant, so that I can use it, as I said in a couple of ways; including in the shower, and when I’m camping or away etc.

But then I realised something……

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^ that is the new speaker, my primary camera (a tough again), and my phone (which is in an otter box because of aforementioned clumsiness).

But looking at it, I didn’t even realise just how much I maintain my aesthetic across the entirety of my products and I am waaayyy more embarrassed by it than I think I should be. Literally….I didn’t even think about it when I ordered the Archeer, I’m sure it also comes in plain black …I just didn’t pick it.