It has been an insecurity that I ask for too much. Too much time, too much support, just too much. It’s something I’ve struggled with for many years- and still do- though I’ve been getting better at realising my own worth, and the fact that those who love me want to give me things, and I’m not an obligation.
But still, I find myself wanting.
Wanting to be done with school, wanting to be done with winter. I find myself wanting to be finished essays I haven’t even started writing yet, and being done with being 21.
It’s probably my depression but that’s beside the point.
I’m always wanting, and at 21, the things I want are a bit unusual.
I want to be done school not because school sucks, but because I’m bored and because I want to do my Master’s. I don’t want to be an undergrad anymore, and I don’t want to be this age. I want to be done school so I can do more schooling at a level I hope to pursue my own interests, and not force feed myself books of topics I don’t think will change anything. I want to be out of York so that I can continue my YouTube stuff, because in my head, being away from York, in my masters or a college will mean I have the time to do this.
I want to live in a house with my partner, stable enough to not feel that heart-pounding fear that I’m going to fail and have to drop out, just for one god-damned day. I want to feel successful for one minute, and not nauseous over the $1 in my bank account and the $550 rent that needs to be paid in a week. I want to be engaged and married, I want to have a family. I want to settle down for good.
But I also want to go camping, and have 3 dogs and not be in an apartment anymore. I want to live somewhere in the wilds, and also in the city with a giant bay window with plants overflowing the bench seat.
Not because I see everyone else doing it, people my age typically want the opposite of that it seems, but because for me stability seems to solve my problems.
I want to be a young adult, still, but I want to also be further than I already am. I want to be stable and successful, I want to do with my time as I want. In my head being engaged, or being a grad student, or even just graduating and being away from York feels like it’ll make things better. Maybe when I’m a grad student I’ll be stable. Maybe when I’m in college I’ll be able to do crafting, or drawing or youtube again.
It’s not true because I’ll still be paying rent and tuition and won’t have enough money for supplies. But it feels that way when I’m so distressed about life.
From the girl who wants too much, who wants to grow up, but only in the way in which I have my own apartment, and not a student residence, and not a basement, I say it’s okay.
It’s okay to want to grow up, to want to settle down, to not like the party life and the drinking games; that’s alright. Grow how you like, and do the things that make you most happy.
Drink if you like, write slam poetry, nerd out. Be happy learning to cook, or knit, or keep a home.
Keep wanting more.