A hard lesson I haven’t learnt yet.

I’m pretty sure I have depression.

And I do not want to sound like the peopl who say ‘oh I had depression last week, it was bad’ or who think being depresssed (as an emotion) from time to time and having depression are the same thing.

I’m talking about the emptiness I feel when I have the opportunity to do thigns I love.

The absolute lack of motivation to even drink water because, well what’s the point? I literally don’t care.

It’s the ache when deadlines are coming but instead I stare at my computer screen all my research open absolutely apathetic to the last 4 years of gut-wrenching work.

So I think I have depression. And that’s okay.

Except right now I don’t feel like it is. I’ve been sitting in my room, two dealines (both 12 pg papers with 30% of my grade for both classes their due for) looming tomorrow. Or today I guess. All day today upto and until 5pm I stared at the papers, at the rtesearch KNOWING that the panic would come that I wouldbe exhausted. I wouldn’t sleep. I wouldn’t get good marks on these papers. The panic would come.

Except it didn’t. It hasn’t even now that it’s 2am and I leave for school in 5 hours.

And it DOES NOT FEEL OKAY I feel like I should be panicked. I deserve to panic.I must have been lazy right? Me who has always been obsessed with schooling, who LOVES her courses. I deserve to feel panic. I deserve to failt.

I’m not OKAY with feeling apathy.

I’m not okay with being okay with the inevitable failure.

And the hard lesson here, is learning that that’s what depression does to a person. It drains away a lot of their passions, it makes them apathetic. Or, it can. It feels different to different people. Me, a passionare person, someone who babbles on and on and on about art and poetry and ontological design…suddenly apathetic.

And my friends will sometimes roll their eyes. Look at me like ‘how on earth could you leave your assighments so late’ and…I’ve stasrted to shrug because that’s how depression is expressing for me.

And it sucks. It hurts me. I don’t like this. I want to ignore it. I want it to be okay.

And that’s the thing. It is. I will be okay, I know I will. Right now it doesn’t feel it, I’m so tired of everytthing.

I’m just tired. Exhausted in fact.

I’m pretty sure I have depression.

And I am still not okay, with it being okay for me to feel this way.

And even that, for now, is okay.

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